Why Are You Holding Back??

A lot of the Derby Dolls think I have an imaginary fiance named "Matt," but he's real! We've been together for 8 and 1/2 years.

This is a picture of us taken just the other day:

The reason nobody sees him is cuz he's got his own things that he's into and that's fine.
I accept that without question now, even prefer it.

BUT...

In the early days I wanted him to be at everything to see what I was a part of.

So Matt's been to exactly one Derby Dolls practice.

I'd been commuting to LA for a few weeks before I finally talked him in to going.

I figured it would be cool to have his company on the long drive, and since he'd taught me to skateboard, maybe he could give me some tips on my skating.

So we went, he sat on the side and watched for a while, but later when I looked in his direction, he'd disappeared.

I found him when practice was over and asked what was up. He said he felt like a creeper just watching us so he found other things to do.

But... what about my skating?? 

I asked if he had any feedback for me.This was 6-7 years ago, so it's hard to give an exact quote, but he said something along the lines of:

"Why were you holding back?"

Here was my reaction:

I was completely drenched in sweat, and had been working my ass off for 2 hours, and now I was accused of holding back??

I immediately got defensive (quite the fire cracker back then) and demanded an explanation.

Matt's a pretty chill guy, totally un-phased by my conniption fit he responded, "I don't know, just looked like you were holding back to me."

It was a quiet ride back to San Diego.

Matt never went to another practice. But I thought about what he said.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn't doing my best. In the pace lines at the following practice, instead of getting in line behind the people I usually got behind, I moved closer to the front.

One thing about Matt, he's freakishly correct most of the time.

It got me thinking about the labels we give ourselves, and roles we play because of them. In my mind, I was the "beginner."

And that's how I skated. Like a beginner.

But when would I be more than that? Would somebody tell me? Did I need permission?

When I moved further down the line every practice, nobody said anything...

That's when I learned the most important word in roller derby.

Are you ready for it?  

A few weeks later I stepped boldly to the very front position of the pace line... Nobody stepped in front of me...


And I skated at my potential for the first time in a practice.

Fuckin Matt, always right! When you go to practice this week, I hope you skate at your potential.Maybe even higher!!!

 Have a super rad day today! Here's my parting gift: