enakblog: Roller Derby Sociology: Part 4 (Communication In Derby 101)

I'd like to start by giving a fun I'm-only-human disclaimer:

When I first started in roller derby I was a young fire-cracker with no passion-management or self-control, whatsoever.

So I steam-rolled my way into some pretty harsh social situations, and learned a lot by communicating in every worst way possible.

But... I did deeply reflect on and learn from these encounters.

Each time.

And by reflect, I mean I cried a lot.

Still do sometimes. Nobody's perfect.

Over time I've made every attempt to learn lessons-to-come the easy way instead:

Partly from considering the future potentialities of my planned actions, and partly from other people's mistakes and triumphs.

Every sports' (and non sports') success story (and epic fail) has been documented one way or another, and I've been gathering these stories through books, articles, and documentaries over the years.

So many lessons learned, I'm not even sure which source a lot of them came from at this point, except for the ones I've personally experienced.

So I'm gonna go ahead and share some of that with you, in hopes that you can glean some of what could easily be learned the hard way.... but... easily feels much better!

This blog post will be about Expression, and the next about Conflict Resolution. Most communication breakdowns seem to unravel from these two sources.

Expression Advice:

1) Consider Your Audience

Most people in roller derby do not like to be told what to do. So, try to avoid using demanding qualifying statements like "You should," or "We have to."

I'm still working on this, being as bossy as I am.

But I'm not trying to change who I am, as much as develop the greater aspects of leadership and diminish the lower potential that comes with this trait.

2) Consider Your Timing

One example:

When your Head of PR is lacing up her skates, she's not likely to be as interested in talking about your latest and greatest idea as you are, just because she's there and accessible.

She's probably more into the idea of just being a skater for a couple hours.

Set up meetings with people when you want to talk about stuff that isn't immediately fun or related to what's happening right-now-this-minute, even if that's when you're excited.

If the timing isn't right for both people, then it's not right to communicate.

If you're unsure if the timing is right, ask. "Is this a good time to talk to you about _______?" And if it isn't, don't push it. Just try again at a better time.

3) Consider Your Impact

Passionate people often just blurt out whatever they're feeling because they feel it.

But... other people can feel you too. People you train with can often be very intuitively connected to you, whether you're aware of it or not.

For example, if you're always saying something mean about yourself, I feel sorry for you.

I don't want to feel sorry for you, though! I want to feel good around my friends.

In fact, over time I may resent you for making me feel bad for you. I might even avoid you because you don't think about how what you say makes me feel. And that's kind of selfish.

Consider how it feels to be on the other end of what you have to say. About you, or someone else. Does it feel good or bad?

We can work on this together.

4) Consider Your Motivations

Do you have a reason for what you want to say to someone? Is it a positive reason? Or do you want to talk just to talk AT someone?

Because a discussion can be fun and interesting.

But listening to someone go on and on (without including anyone else in their one-person-conversation), or say a lot of negative things can be really exhausting.

And it's really hard to get heard, when you do have something to say, if you have a history of being exhausting to be around.

But, on the other side... if you are a considerate person in conversation... and know how to listen as well as share; you're interesting and feel good to be around.

And then what you have to say is easier to hear. It's something I think about a lot.

5) Consider Your Potential

I'm finding that quantifying statements can be alienating to others, or limiting to personal potential.

For example, "I hate it when people _____________." Or "I always________________."

Can sometimes close doors to communication with other people by unwittingly putting a wedge between you with statements like that.

Your potential could be to be the kind of person who gets along with all kinds of people. Even people you have nothing in common with.

But... you might not get to find out if the door is shut to some early on. Honesty is totally great, but sometimes less words is more... inclusive. (Note to self!)