enakblog: Roller Derby Sociology: Part 2 (Pre-Existing Conditions)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 2 (Pre-Existing Conditions)

An interesting pattern I've observed in my polling is that a large number of skaters socialized more so with men, and less so with other women, before they came to roller derby.

I'm no exception.

I remember the first time is was brought to my attention that I wasn't a "boy," but a "girl" and that was supposed to be somehow different.

I was 6 years old and running around playing "pirates" with the other kids, wearing just cut off jeans.

No other clothes or shoes, because we were pirates!

A neighbor lady called me over to her, where she proceeded to throw me into a young identity crisis.

She chided me for running around with no shirt on, and when I looked confused, she really dug into me with, "What if I ran around with no shirt on??"

I took one look at her well endowed shirt and shrieked, running to my mother.

Who gently said to me, as if she were trying to break the news, that I was "sort of a tomboy."

I'm not saying I didn't have any friends who were girls, but there was a pretty obvious preference for friends who were boys.

And this continued even through jr. high school, when hormones kicked in and boys got weird.

Yes, I'm afraid it did.

And as an "adult" I had a mix of male and female friends, but was back to trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to be "one of the guys" again.

And then there was roller derby.

Where, as mentioned in Part 1, I was clashing personalities with some women... With no understanding at all of why.

I feel very Sarah Silverman, at times...

I think that one reason I had a language barrier, of sorts, with other women is because my guy friends had set me up with a false sense of friend security.

Here's what I mean by that:

When amongst male friends I felt like I had safe friendships, because you can say whatever you want around your guy friends and they don't really seem to be phased by it.

And what I didn't realize until later: oh, it's cuz they didn't really CARE what I said...

Again, I'm not speaking about ALL men, just the ones I have experience with to draw from.

Guy friends, for a while, felt safe because I could be myself and not be judged for it.

At first, roller derby (large collective of alpha women) felt a little dangerous... because I felt judged every two seconds!

But, what I realize now is, oh... that's cuz they really CARE about what I say...

Again, I'm not speaking about ALL women, just the ones I have experience with to draw from.

All these new female friends were very challenging, because they were actually listening to me, and holding me accountable for the things that I would say.

I was totally unprepared for this...

And I have a theory:

Masses of women like me have a masochist in our subconscious that really craves more emotionally driven, challenging relationships... and draws us to roller derby like moths to a flame.

Lured in with the promise of a good time, we jump head first in the LEAST safe social situation that could ever exist.

So we can grow.