Roller Derby Sociology: Part 8

Somewhere in one of the gazillions of self-help books I read (back in the day), was the concept of:

Address the Situation, and not the Person.

Elvis likes it.

On the one hand, it's kind of silly, right??

How can you not address the person... you kinda have to, in order to work things out!

But on the other hand, I love the idea that it's a situation that two parties are going through.

It leaves room for both parties come out the other side of it, together. Rather than one party fighting to somehow change the other.

There's a difference between Addressing A Situation the other person is aware of, and Addressing A Situation they are not.

Aware: two parties are actively in conflict

Unaware: one party is irritated/agitated/threatened by another, who is apparently not aware of their behavior.

Fun Fact: The majority of people who are acting with jerk-like behavior are not aware of it.

I'll give you an example of times I was unaware of my jerk-like behavior, and how two different people handled communicating that to me.

 

I've always had high standards, but when I was a younger coach, I was a little too iron-fisty about it.

One skater came up to me after a practice and said:  

Hey, I get the whole tough love thing you're doing. But sometimes, you forget the love. 

This skater hardly knew me at the time, but we remain very close friends to this day.

Yes, I was hurt by what she said. But I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at me.

She let me know in a way that was not threatening that I needed to reflect on my behavior.

And that, despite it, the door was open for us to be friends.

And I couldn't respect her more for that.

 

There was another skater who handled letting me know in... one of the most disrespectful ways possible:

She posted an open letter to me on the league message board, reaming me for... whatever she was mad about. 

There were false accusations, and an obvious incitement, inviting others to share their feelings about.... whatever it was about.

It obviously wasn't a very memorable topic. But I do remember exactly how I felt. 

Yeah, this pretty much sums it up.

When you've been completely disrespected, how can you react any other way?

I did decide to choose the high road, though.

 

How? 

Well, I had to take some time to process her attack, as I saw it. 

Then I had to Address The Situation. 

Because we were both now very much aware of the Conflict between us.

 

I set up a meeting with her, and tried to work it out, but all I could really do was cry. 

I'll never forget her reaction. Baffled, she said:

You know, I really didn't expect this. I thought you were going to fight.

 

I had to explain to her, I don't get off on fighting. I prefer to get along. 

Now all I could be was hurt, my genuine feeling. 

I think she saw me differently after that, because we've been good friends without a fight between us since.

But, if I had come out fighting... instead of allowing myself to be genuine and vulnerable....

I'll break down some practical tools/steps to conflict resolution, but before I do... I would ask you to consider the contrast between these two approaches. 

The difference between Confronting a Person and Addressing a Situation...

And have a shiny-happy-feel-good-terrific-RAD day!

 

Parting gifts!