How To Sleep With Someone Else's Wife And Get Away With It.

My friend Sid has an interesting pursuit these days. He is trying to lasso a married acquaintance. The lady in question is thirty, has a six year old child, and her husband lives in Belgium. She became friends with Sid through a professional contact, and gradually it became obvious that she was open to the idea of something a little more than friendship. Man, Sid thought he had really hit the jackpot, but sadly, even after months of going out for dinner and outings together, my buddy has gotten as close to his boudi’s bedroom as Jennifer Aniston has gotten to become Angelina Jolie’s best f.r.i.e.n.d.

What is he doing wrong, Sid asked me, and what can he do to get some action before she hits menopause? So here is my advice to him, and to anyone else who is secretly interested in sleeping with a married lady and not getting in trouble:-

1. Be young and have a good body.

2. Be funny and intelligent. Be good company.

3. Show her that you care for her and are interested in her for who she is, rather than the sex that she might have with you eventually.

4. On the other hand, don’t make her think you are madly in love. This will frighten her because she’ll think you might do anything, even confront her husband.

5. So if she asks “Will you forget me after my husband is back and I can’t see you anymore?” , say “ How can I ever forget you sweetheart? Life will be difficult without you, but I’ll have to go on. I’ll bear even this torture for you.”

6. Don’t boast about any achievements to anybody. I know this is tempting, but remember, your safety and hers lies in total secrecy. Moreover, she’ll trust you better if she knows you won’t tell anybody.

7. Don’t frequent her house. You don’t want the neighbors to get suspicious and talk to her family.

8. Don’t underestimate the kid. Don’t display any affections in front of her. You don’t want her to tell her Daddy over the phone “ Sid uncle kissed me today and he also kissed Mommy” or “ Sid uncle and Mommy played carrom all night and the door was closed”

9. Do NOT fall in love with her no matter what happens. If you fall in love, man you are screwed worse than a highway whore.

10. And last, be prepared for nemesis. One day, you are going to be middle aged and married and your wife is going to run off with a younger man (and maybe with all your savings too). You can’t escape your Karma dude.

Road Rage

This morning Soni ji gives me his phone and asks me if I can make out why it isn't working. The keypad is locked. I unlock it and give it back to him.

Soni ji swerves the auto to a dangerous standstill. " You can fix this in a minute??! And it doesn't cost money?!!!!"

It turns out that every time his keypad gets locked accidentally, Soni ji has to take it to a cellphone mechanic, who keeps it for three hours, makes a show of fiddling on his computer, and bills Soni ji for 300 bucks. Apperantly, this has happened thrice.

Soni ji, moustache quivering with rage, yells in my face, "Uss marammat wale ki to mai marammat karta hun!! Saala mujhe ch*****a banata hai! MUJHE!!"
Long gap, then "Sorry Beta, thanks"

I'm sorry too, Soni ji. It takes a lot of thugs to make up a world. Don't let it get to you.

Anikdotes- Pink Hearts, Red Faces

My boyfriend is coming to Jaipur on the 13th of February to spend a couple of days with me. Now, our recent experience tells me that if you are an average person, your reaction to this would be “Oh my god! He’s coming all this way to spend Valentine’s Day with you!! That is so romantic!!!”

Knowing that several of our common and individual friends look into my blog now and then, I’d like to use this space to make a declaration – Anik is NOT visiting me because it is Valentine’s Day. The reason he is coming on that particular day could mean anything- it’s a second Saturday (meaning no office for me); he got a cheap air-ticket on that day (Friday the 13th you see); the week after is my birthday; the week before is our anniversary; its been three months since we’ve met- anything, anything but Valentines Day.

Why is it so important for you to know this? Because ever since he unwittingly booked a flight on that fateful day, Anik’s life has turned into a mortification. You see, Valentine’s Day is totally out of his scheme of things and he would rather turn celibate and abstinent than have it thought of him that he is shallow, silly, nyaka, sissy, materialistic, moronic, and wannabe enough to believe in something as meaningless as Valentine. Anik is NOT a Valentine- believer any more than he is an adulterer or a wife-beater.

(My apologies to all the romantic gooey eyed readers who adore the concept of Valentine’s Day. The above rant is entirely our personal opinion that had to be made public in order to preserve our reputation as mean grumpy cynics)

And while we are at it, happy first, buddy.

Ps- Hasi, please do not post reminiscences of what Anik used to do on Valentine’s days before he met me.

Auto Wisdom

Soni ji's pearl of wisdom to me this morning- " Beta dekh, jo light teri kismat me likha hai uspe to tujhe rukna hi parega. Kya light ko kosegi kya khud ko kosegi"

( If a red traffic signal is written in your destiny, you'll have to stop at it, no matter what. You can't blame the signal, and you cant blame yourself)

A Word of Warning

I know this is a bit late in the day to tell you this, but here's another reason you might not want to watch Slumdog Millionaire. There is one scene in which the little kid protagonist jumps from a hole into a pool of liquified human shit because he has been locked in the toilet. Then he clambers out covered head to toe in shit and runs through a crowd, smearing everybody with glory. (I would have put up a picture, but mustard yellow is clashing awfully with fuschia.)

The above scene is guaranteed to make you retch at all subsequent meals for a week. However this does not apply to you if you are Pasha, in which case it is probably the most beautiful cinematograpic experience of your life.

On the bright side, this is possibly the first time that third world excrement is going to be worshipped by the US of A (at the Oscars i mean). It's usually the other way around, no?

Everybody Loves a Good Eve-teaser

Yesterday I bashed up a guy in the bus. I slapped him twice, out-shouted him, and made him get down from the bus. This is the second time in two weeks this has happened.

I no longer expect appreciation for this. My parents and my boyfriend have made it very clear that they want me to desist from such dangerous behavior. Their lack of support apparently stems from their concern about my safety. Ma is going on about acid-throwers. Anik seems to be worried about a situation in which the eve-teaser actually hits me back.

Needless to say, I did not take their admonitions in a very accepting frame of mind. But in retrospect, I do appreciate what they are trying to say.

Jaipur is, to put it mildly, not a good place for women. Unlike the evilly reputed Delhi, where a guy can heckle you in public but you can heckle him right back and expect public support, or the more excitable Kolkata, where Anik tell me a girl has to raise her voice carefully because if she does, the janta will bash the eve-teaser to within an inch of his life, in Jaipur women stay down. If you raise your voice against an eve-teaser, there is a good chance that members of the public will support him and not you. You will hear comments like This girl has no modesty or what is a girl from a good family doing outside her home anyway? And of course, the eve-teaser not only gets away with it but can fearlessly hit you back or call you a slut or whatever. And there is of course the worry that he might mark you down and get back at you later, on the streets.

This disrespect for women, while it has some notable exceptions, is quiet an ubiquitous mentality in Jaipur. You will find it among the labour class, shop-keepers, and high-profile executives( eg- monster boss). I have a feeling it is older than centuries, and is too deeply set to really do anything about. My apologies to my Rajasthani readers, but this is from someone, who is doing Jaipur's underbelly everyday and knows what she is talking about.

Just the other day, I was reading about Chief Minister Gehlot's rant on the pub culture and public display of affection which are against Rajasthani culture. Mr. Gehlot, sir, why don't you do your state a favour, and instead of spouting political inanities, do something about the very real problem of eve-teasing in the city? Unless, of course, you feel that it is totally in accordance to Rajasthani culture.

How I spent my last weekend